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Unsubscribe at any time.Air Canada Appoints Bad Bunny As New CEO To Equally Offend Francophones and Anglophones
DORVAL, QC — Following the sudden retirement of Michael Rousseau over his controversial “English-only” existence, Air Canada’s board of directors has announced that Puerto Rican superstar Bad Bunny will take the helm as CEO, a move officials say will finally bring “linguistic equity” to the airline by being equally unintelligible to both Anglophones and Francophones.
“We heard the complaints from Quebec loud and clear—it was offensive that our previous CEO spoke a language that 330 million people in North America understand,” said board spokesperson Jean-Claude Baguette after performing a mandatory 15-minute land acknowledgement. “By hiring a man who communicates exclusively in hyper-autotuned Latin Trap mumbles, we are ensuring that a farmer in Chicoutimi and a broker in Bay Street are finally united in their total confusion.”
The federal government reportedly fast-tracked the appointment after a private screening of the “Me Porto Bonito” music video, which Heritage Canada deemed “culturally superior to anything produced by the CBC since the 1970s.” While the Official Languages Commissioner initially expressed concerns, he retracted them after Bad Bunny agreed to include a “hon hon hon” ad-lib in his next platinum single.
“It’s about progress,” noted one Montreal-based activist. “I don’t know what a ‘Benito’ is, but as long as he isn’t speaking the King’s English with a clear accent, my delicate cultural sensibilities remain unbruised.”
At publishing time, Air Canada announced that all future safety demonstrations will be replaced by a 40-minute reggaeton dance-off that delays your flight by an additional three hours.