Air Canada Appoints Bad Bunny As New CEO To Equally Offend Francophones and Anglophones

DORVAL, QC — Following the sudden retirement of Michael Rousseau over his controversial "English-only" existence, Air Canada’s board of directors has announced that Puerto Rican superstar Bad Bunny will take the helm as CEO, a move officials say will finally bring "linguistic equity" to the airline by being equally unintelligible to both Anglophones and Francophones.

NDP Promises New State Grocery Stores Will Be Just as Efficient as the ArriveCAN App

WINNIPEG — In a bold move to tackle the "greedflation" of the private sector, newly elected NDP leader and documentary filmmaker Avi Lewis has promised that his proposed national chain of state-run grocery stores will be modeled after the federal government’s most successful IT procurement project: the ArriveCAN app.

Quebec National Assembly Unanimously Demands Google Maps Reroute All English Speakers Into Nearest Pothole

QUEBEC CITY — In a historic display of non-partisan unity, the Quebec National Assembly voted 92-0 Tuesday to mandate that Google Maps immediately update its algorithm to reroute any driver using English voice settings directly into the deepest, most axle-snapping pothole available.

Scientist Invents Time Travel Only To Prevent Original Amber Abduction To Save World From 4AM Alerts

TORONTO — Dr. Alistair Sterling, a theoretical physicist at the University of Toronto, announced Saturday that he has successfully achieved quantum temporal displacement, better known as time travel. However, rather than killing Hitler or preventing the Great Depression, Sterling confirmed his first and only mission was to travel back to 1996 to ensure Amber Hagerman stayed safely within her yard, thereby sparing 38 million Canadians from ever hearing a "nuclear-level" siren at four in the morning.

Ottawa Nervous After Poilievre Spends Three Hours With Man Who Doesn’t Require A Government Grant To Speak

OTTAWA — The Liberal cabinet has reportedly entered an emergency "trauma-informed" lockdown this morning following reports that Conservative Leader Pierre Poilievre spent over three hours conversing with a human being whose primary income is not derived from a federal culture subsidy or a Heritage Canada "Digital Citizenship" grant.

Carney Unveils 'Regretful Sock Puppet' To Explain Iran Airstrikes Position

OTTAWA — In a move designed to bridge the gap between "standing with our allies" and "condemning their actions," Prime Minister Mark Carney held a press conference today featuring a sock puppet named *Glinty the Globalist* to clarify Canada's official position on the Iran airstrikes.

Florida Snowbird Wishes He Was Held Hostage in Mexico After Catching Glimpse of MAGA Hat at Pickleball Court

SARASOTA, FL — Local retiree and "winter-dodger" Murray Henderson is reportedly "shaking and crying" into his $14 USD lukewarm piña colada this morning after a brush with a red baseball cap left him wishing he’d opted for the relaxing, bullet-riddled serenity of Puerto Vallarta, Mexico instead.

CRA Adds Tipping Screen To Netfile For More Ukraine Funding

OTTAWA — The Canada Revenue Agency announced Monday that this tax filing season will feature a new "interact-style" tipping screen, allowing Canadians to top up their tax bills with a "discretionary gratuity" to help cover the Ukraine aid that now accounts for a staggering 30% of the federal deficit.

Country Star Considers 'The Refugee Route' to Ensure Tour Dates Include Taxpayer-Funded Accommodations

VANCOUVER — After being heartlessly turned away at the border for a decade-old cannabis charge, American country singer Charley Crockett is reportedly trading his tour bus for a sturdy pair of walking boots and a map of unmonitored ditches. Legal experts suggest the singer’s only mistake was trying to enter Canada as a law-abiding professional rather than a "vulnerable traveler" with a mysterious past.

Ottawa Surprised To Find Men Struggling After Decade Of DEI Policies

OTTAWA — Following a decade of official government policy labeling traditional masculinity as "toxic" and masculine ambition as a "systemic barrier to equity," Health Canada officials expressed genuine shock this week to discover that Canadian men are currently struggling with record rates of despair and declining health.

Health Minister Confirms Team Canada Now Eligible for MAID After Devastating Loss to Americans

OTTAWA — Following the "unbearable psychological trauma" of a 2-1 overtime loss to the United States in the Milano-Cortina 2026 gold medal game, Federal Health Minister Marjorie Michel has confirmed that every member of the men’s national hockey team is now eligible for Medical Assistance in Dying (MAID).

Finance Minister Launches New Initiative To Ensure Only CRA Can Extort Small Businesses For Money

OTTAWA — In a bold move to eliminate "unregistered competition" in the sector of non-consensual wealth redistribution, the Finance Minister François-Philippe Champagne has launched the Countering Extortion Partnership. The initiative aims to protect Canadian small businesses from any shadowy organization attempting to take a cut of their earnings without first spending forty-five minutes on hold with a government call centre.

Carney Unveils 'No Name' Battle Tank To Modernize Military With Everyday Low Prices

OTTAWA — In a historic move to achieve "strategic autonomy" through domestic manufacturing, Prime Minister Mark Carney announced today that the Department of National Defence has awarded a multi-billion dollar contract to Loblaw Companies Ltd. to produce the Canadian Army’s new primary armored vehicle.

Trump Offers Denmark ‘Three Sheep and a Brick’ for Greenland, Cites Urgent Need for Ore Hexes

MAR-A-Lago, FL — President Donald Trump stood before a giant, hexagonal map of the North Atlantic today to announce a "massive, beautiful, and highly strategic" offer to purchase the island of Greenland from Denmark. Citing a desperate need for more "ore hexes" to complete a massive city-building project, Trump revealed he has formally offered the Danish government three sheep and a single brick. "It’s a tremendous deal, maybe the best trade deal in the history of trades," Trump told a crowd of cheering supporters. "Denmark is sitting on all this ore, and they aren’t even using it. They’re just sitting there. I have the sheep—very fluffy, very high-quality sheep, the likes of which nobody has ever seen—and I have a brick. I’m giving them a brick\! You can’t build a road without a brick, and frankly, their economy is a disaster."

Mark Carney Joins COBRA After Trade Failure With G.I. Joe

BEIJING — In a move global analysts are calling "the most predictable career pivot for a former central banker," Mark Carney has officially donned a polished silver mask and joined the high command of COBRA.