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Unsubscribe at any time.Ottawa Nervous After Poilievre Spends Three Hours With Man Who Doesn’t Require A Government Grant To Speak
OTTAWA — The Liberal cabinet has reportedly entered an emergency “trauma-informed” lockdown this morning following reports that Conservative Leader Pierre Poilievre spent over three hours conversing with a human being whose primary income is not derived from a federal culture subsidy or a Heritage Canada “Digital Citizenship” grant.
The meeting, held in a windowless Texas studio filled with elk meat and kettlebells, has sent shockwaves through the Parliamentary Press Gallery. Government officials expressed “grave concern” that a Canadian leader would communicate via a medium that doesn’t involve a taxpayer-funded moderator or a pre-approved list of “allowable” questions about the carbon tax.
“This is a direct threat to the Canadian way of life,” said CBC Senior Vice-President of Equitable Narrative, Silas Pomp. “If politicians start talking to people who aren’t on the government payroll, how are we supposed to tell the public what to think? We checked Mr. Rogan’s filings and couldn’t find a single ‘Local Journalism Initiative’ credit. It’s terrifying. He just… talks. For free. Without even a land acknowledgement or a trigger warning for the oil and gas sector.”
The interview reportedly turned radical when Poilievre suggested that “a barber and a waitress” should be able to afford a home with a yard for a dog—a concept the PMO has officially classified as “dangerous misinformation”. Experts in the capital were horrified to hear the Opposition Leader claim that an accountant and a lawyer currently struggle to buy a semi-detached garage, noting that such “extremist” rhetoric ignores the inherent joy of the government’s new ‘High-Density Vibrancy Initiative,’ which encourages young professionals to build character by sharing a single bathroom with fourteen other ‘entrepreneurial’ tenants.
At publishing time, Steven Guilbeault was seen frantically trying to “Bill C-11” Joe Rogan’s Spotify account while screaming that Vitamin D is a gateway drug to populism.